Some thoughts on life

Some random thoughts on my life...type when I can keep my eyes open despite the fatigue...fight the pain with meditation until the hydrocodone can drain it from me temporarily...numb burning feet...muscles spasming in my legs, arms, back, neck...leaking bile...soaked clothing waking me in the night...waves of nausea nearly constant...try to meditate and focus away from my body...smelling a piece of bread or some fresh cooking veggies...but I can't take fighting the urge so I eat some to satisfy it...punishment with pain, nausea, vomiting...it all comes back out...tried jejunal tube feeding last night...it came out my stomach tube...my gut is working backwards...see my beautiful boy enjoying toys and bugs and clouds...wondering if I will be here to see him become a man...love of being a mother keeps me going...insurance lost so the bills pile up and I wait for more loans...medigap could have helped but the papers continue to say denied...gastroparesis...IV nutrition therapy...dystonia...fibromyalgia...written out in case I don't already remember why...working when I can...wondering if graduation could or even should become a reality...what will I do next...friends caring, sharing, giving...family loving, helping, never leaving but fearing...waiting...wondering...searching for my peace and freedom from suffering.

The photo is of my son playing in the surf on our recent summer trip to South Carolina. I loved watching him play in the waves.

Tummy Troubles

I haven't posted for a while mostly because I haven't been feeling well. I have had trouble with my stomach and gut for several years now. In 2001 I had a cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal surgery) because of severe pain that was attributed to gallbladder dyskinesia. Afterwards I continued to have problems with abdominal pain, nausea and constipation. At Mayo Clinic I was diagnosed with gastroparesis and irritable bowel sydrome. It seems to be a general gastrointestinal motility disorder. I have had ongoing symptoms related to this ever since but I do fairly well by adjusting my diet and it helped quite a bit to quit eating meat. I have enjoyed being vegetarian for over 3 years now. My symptoms (nausea and pain) have been a bit worse lately and so I just haven't felt motivated to blog. I have an appointment with a gastroenterologist in about a month. I haven't seen anyone for a while because I can't take most of the drugs used to treat gastroparesis because of my dystonia. I'm hanging in here and am still able to work for the most part, just feeling cruddy a lot of the time.

In spite of my health problems, I must say that on a good note we are having an enjoyable summer and have enjoyed swimming at the local pool, walks, and summer concerts in the park. We have a lot of fun and it is even more exciting with a 2 year old. Today we spent the afternoon in the backyard playing in the baby pool and the sandbox and lying in the hammock. Gotta love the summertime. The picture is of my son enjoying the new bike trailer that we got recently. He loves going for bike rides with Daddy.