Stepping back
Today I am feeling overwhelmed by everything. My dissertation work is difficult and tedious. I wonder if anything fruitful will come of it. It seems that it is going to take me forever to finish all these experiments. My hope is that it will provide possibilities for new avenues of treatment for people with neurodegenerative disease and movement disorders. Today that seems unreachable, an unattainable or unrealistic goal.
I have also been feeling that I am working in an environment where there is sometimes little compassion or care for others. Often the people I work with engage in gossip and talk with disdain and even hate about others behind their backs. I believe that everyone deserves respect regardless of their background or qualities. It is hard for me to understand why some people don't feel that way and I am disturbed by the gossip and jeering. I often feel like I should say something to make these individuals aware of their hurtful speech. At the same time I feel that perhaps they will eventually recognize why I ignore it. I just wish that we could all work to maintain a compassionate, peaceful workplace. I feel that having right speech is important for promoting peace and compassion for all. I sometimes have trouble maintaining right speech, but I feel it is very important. I understand how speaking poorly of another is just as hurtful and demeaning to me as it is to the person it is being directed.
Dystonia is agonizing today as well. I am having severe cramping in my left foot and pain in my back and neck. I wonder if I should consider increasing the Baclofen or if it is just stress making my body feel worse than usual.
Sometimes I wonder how I keep persevering when I have a bad day like today. I guess it is because I usually step back and try to look at what I do have to be thankful for. It is hard but I have to remember to live in the moment and find peace and goodness in the small things. Meditation has been a blessing...giving me the time and place to step back and find the peace I need.
Labels: dissertation, peace, right speech
posted by Synaptic Jen @ 10:36 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
I amazed by your ability to pursue your doctorate under these conditions. I was recently diagnosed with dystonia [I learned of your blog from the support group message board.] I've considered more schooling, but I just don't know if I can handle it or where to start!
Thanks for posting Shakey. I must say that I posted this on a particularly bad day for me. Most of the people I work with are well meaning and friendly people most of the time. I just get tired of listening to gossip and judgmental attitudes sometimes. I think that most people probably have dealt with this at sometime or another and understand what I mean.
Regarding dystonia...it certainly makes it more difficult to get through school, but somehow I have always been able to get through it successfully. I have been a college student now for 11 years (with a year or so working after my B.S.). During most of that time (about 10 years) I have had generalized dystonia. Luckily my dystonia has improved quite a bit over the years with some set backs (including the most recent worsening of symptoms).
Overall, I find that it helps to live in the moment...to take one day...one hour...one minute at a time. If I were to think about the entire project ahead of me for this dissertation I think I might have to quit. So I don't let myself think about it that way and I just step back and try to take a little at a time.
If you really want to go back to school then go for it. In the long run it is worth it. I have always enjoyed being a student. Dystonia will make it more of a challenge, but it doesn't have to stop you from being a successful student. You might start by looking into programs that you are interested in and also contacting the school's division for students with disabilities. They may be able to give you some ideas as well. Good luck.
Take care,
Jen
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